Interpersonal
Communication
Points of Emphasis
Exam III
Chapter Eight
Sharing Personal Information
Chapter Outline
I. Introduction
A.
Self-disclosure is arguably the most researched behavior in the
communication discipline.
B. Most
researchers believe self-disclosure is a critically important
communication skill because it helps relationships
develop and contributes to the maturation and
revision of self concept.
C. Ample
evidence shows that greater disclosure is related to greater emotional
involvement in a relationship.
D. Researchers
and nonresearchers alike believe that self-disclosure and relationship
development are intertwined.
II. Definition of Self-Disclosure: Opening Up
A.
Self-disclosure is communication about your self.
B.
Self-disclosure occurs when you intentionally tell another
something about yourself that the person would be unable
to easily learn otherwise.
C. There are at
least two types of self-disclosure.
1. Evaluative disclosures are used
to tell another how we judge other people, things, and events.
2. Descriptive disclosures are
self-revelations.
3. Self-disclosure, then, is
evaluative and descriptive information about the self, shared
intentionally, that another would
have trouble
finding out without being told.
a)
Implicit in this definition is the fact that self-disclosures are
verbal behavior.
b)
Note that verbal communication doesn’t have to be oral or
face-to-face, we could self-disclose in a letter
or an email, although not much
research has investigated written self-disclosures.
III. Features of Self-Disclosure: Expanding the
Definition
A.
Intentionality and Choice
1. Intentionality
a)
Disclosures are intentional communication.
b)
When you engage in self-disclosure, you choose to tell another
something about yourself.
c)
Although disclosures sometimes slip out unintentionally, these
“slips” don’t meet the above definition for real self-disclosure.
2. Choice
a)
Implicit in the feature of choice is the idea that there are
varying degrees of self-disclosures.
b)
We choose whether to tell something and we also choose how to
tell it and how much detail to provide in the telling.
B. Intimacy and
Risk
1. Intimacy
a)
Because a self-disclosure is information another would not be
easily able to discover without being told, the
information involved must be
personal.
2. Risk
a)
Self-disclosure is a frightening notion.
b)
It involves sharing who we really are with another and letting
ourselves be truly known by them.
c)
We may be rejected by the other person after we have made
ourselves vulnerable in this fashion.
3. Public versus Private
Information
a)
Public information consists of facts that we make parts of our
public image – the parts of ourselves that we present to others.
(1) Usually,
people strive to present socially approved characteristics as public
information.
b)
Private information reflects the self-concept.
(1) Private
information consists of the assessments – both good and bad – that we
make about our selves.
(2) It also
includes our personal values and our interests, fears, and concerns.
c) Notions of public and private
information have changed over time.
C. Trust
1. Trust explains why we decide to
take the plunge and reveal ourselves through self-disclosure.
2. When we trust someone, we are
likely to provide more intimate disclosures.
3. Our perception of trust is a
key factor in our decision to self-disclose, and most self-disclosures
take place in the
context of a
trusting relationship.
IV. Self-Disclosure as a Subjective Process: Making
It Real
A. Whether
information is considered a self-disclosure depends on subjective
assessments made by the discloser.
B. History
consists of information that may sound personal to a listener but that
is relatively easy for a speaker to tell.
1. These disclosures may be told
easily because of the teller’s temperament, changing times, or simply
because the
events
happened a long time ago and have been told and retold.
C. Story or
what some researchers call true self-disclosure, exists when the teller
feels the risk he or she is taking in telling the information.
1. A disclosure should be
considered story (or authentic) even if it doesn’t seem personal to the
average listener.
D. Some topics
seem to be inherently more personal than others.
E. Disclosures
are typed based on topical intimacy.
1. A person can reveal an actual
disclosure (that is, story) about what seems to be a low-intimacy topic.
2. It all depends on the risk the
teller feels while disclosing to a listener.
F. Some believe
that disclosures aren’t discrete, finite events; rather, they are
viewed as processes that occur on a continuum.
G.
Self-disclosures are unfinished business because there is always
something more to tell or someone else to disclose to.
V. Factors Affecting Disclosure
A. Individual
Differences
1. People have different needs for
openness.
2. Even people who have a high
need to disclose don’t wish to tell everyone everything.
B. Relational
Issues
1. People have expectations about
the need for, and the appropriate amount of, self-disclosure based on
their definitions
of their
relationships with significant others.
a)
These needs vary depending on the relationship.
2. When we engage in interpersonal
encounters, we negotiate the boundaries between privacy and openness
through
self-disclosing or keeping quiet.
3. Selectively self-disclosing
helps us as we create the balance between what is private only to
ourselves, what is shared
only with
intimates, what is disclosed only to close friends, and what is known
to many others.
4. Self-disclosures wax and wane
over the life of a relationship.
a)
The longer people know each other, the less time they spend in
disclosing.
b)
As relationships endure and stabilize, the participants need to
disclose less because they already know a great
deal about one another.
5. Some general patterns of
self-disclosure behavior may be related to the life of a relationship.
a)
One pattern shows a gradual increase in self-disclosing that
parallels the growth of the relationship until the
relationship stabilizes; at that
point, self-disclosure decreases.
b)
A second pattern has a long-term relationship that is
characterized by low self-disclosures and then a spike up
before a leveling off of openness.
c)
The third pattern is sometimes referred to as a “clicking,” and
shows a high incidence of self-disclosing almost
immediately in the relationship.
(1) Researchers
refer to these relationships as ones that just “click” from the start
rather than needing a gradual build.
(2) Researchers
explain the clicking process by suggesting that people carry around
relationship scripts in their heads,
and when they find someone who fits the main
elements of that script, they begin acting as though all the elements
were there.
d)
In all three patterns, self-disclosures eventually level off –
and, in many cases, they eventually decrease dramatically if
relationships last a long time.
e)
When new issues arise, relational partners will self-disclose.
f)
If self-disclosure decreases suddenly and radically between
people, that may signal that a relationship is in trouble.
C. Cultural
Values
1. Self-disclosing behavior is
moderated by cultural prescriptions and values.
2. The level of self-disclosure of
a culture relates to whether it is a high-context or low-context
culture.
D. Gender
1. Many people believe that gender
or sex is a major factor in self-disclosing behaviors.
2. In general, in the United
States, women seem to self-disclose more than men, and they value
self-disclosures more.
3. Women seem to expect that close
relationships involve exchanging intimate knowledge.
a)
Men may prefer to relate to their friends through actions rather
than words.
b)
Men and women may choose different topics for their
self-disclosures.
4. Research indicates that women
and men both believe establishing close relationships is important.
a)
However, they differ a bit in how they think closeness is
achieved.
b)
Men choose to do things together, and women favor talking things
over.
E. The Receiver
1. Although we may disclose the
same information to several people, the way we frame our disclosure may
vary based on the person involved.
2. In some cases, disclosures are made because the
receivers are “licensed” to receive them.
3. In other cases, the recipients
of disclosure may not realize the gravity of what they are hearing.
4. The recipient of the disclosure
has an impact on the process as well as on the sender.
VI. Models of Self-Disclosure: Seeing the Big Picture
A. Social
Penetration
1. The social penetration model,
developed by Irwin Altman and Dalmas Taylor (1973), says that people,
like onions,
have many
layers.
2. A person’s layers correspond to
all the information about them ranging from the most obvious to the
most personal.
a)
Some information is easily observable. This information
makes up the outer layer.
b)
Other information is less accessible; conversation is necessary
to “peel” these layers of the onion.
3. Through interaction, people may
choose to reveal these deeper layers of themselves to one another and,
in so doing,
deepen their
relationship.
4. The social penetration model
pictures all the topics of information about a person along the
perimeter of an onion that
has been
sliced in half.
5. Breadth refers to the number of
topics covered.
6. Depth occurs when we tell our
friend how we feel about the topics.
7. Some relationships have a great
deal of breadth without depth, and vice versa.
8. The degree to which you
self-disclose controls the social penetration described by the model.
B.
Dialectics
1. Dialectics explains relational
life as full of push-pull tensions resulting from the desire for polar
opposites.
2. We discuss the tension between
wanting to be open with our relational partners and the opposing desire
of wanting
to maintain
our privacy.
a)
Sidney Jourard (1971) is probably the research who most
influenced our positive response to self-disclosure.
He suggested that we must engage
in self-disclosure to be psychologically and physically healthy.
b)
More recently, people have rejected this idea in favor of
emphasizing the benefits of privacy and even deception.
(1) Some
researchers now contend that concealing information can have positive
effects on relationships.
c)
The dialectics model tries to integrate these opposing positions.
3. Dialectics
explains how we wish to have conflicting, seemingly incompatible things
at the same time and how we try to deal
with the tensions raised by this conflict.
4. Dialectic
thinking assumes that we all want to have both privacy and the
closeness that comes from being known by others,
even though these two things seem like polar
opposites.
5. Dialectics
theory says that to reduce the tension of this process, communicators
use several coping strategies.
a) Cyclic alternation helps
communicators handle tension by featuring the oppositions at
alternating times.
b) Segmentation allows people to
isolate separate arenas for using privacy and openness.
c) Selection means that you choose
one of the opposites and ignore your need for the other.
d) Integration can take one of
three forms:
(1) Neutralizing involves compromising between the
two oppositions.
(2) Disqualifying allows people to cope with tensions
by exempting certain issues from the general patterns.
(a) This coping
strategy creates taboo topics, or issues that are out of bounds for
discussion.
(b) Most
relationships contain topics that are not talked about by unspoken
mutual consent.
(3) Reframing refers to rethinking the notion of
opposition. In doing so, people redefine the dialectic.
C. The Johari
Window
1. The Johari Window is another
model that can be used to examine the self-disclosure process.
2. Luft and Ingham were interested
in the self, and the model they created can help us understand more
than just self-disclosure.
3. The Johari Window is a device
that provides a pictorial representation of how “known” you are to
yourself and others.
4. The entire, large square
represents your self as a whole.
a)
It contains everything that there is to know about you.
b)
The square is divided by two axes: one representing what you know
about yourself and one representing what you
have revealed about yourself to
others.
5. The axes split the window into
four parts.
a)
The open self includes all the information about you that you
know and that you have shared with others through disclosures.
(1) Whenever
you tell someone a piece of information about yourself, the open self
increases.
b) The hidden self contains the
information that you are aware of but that you have chosen not to
disclose.
c) The blind self encompasses
information that others know about you although you yourself are
unaware
of this
information.
d) The unknown self consists of
the information that neither you nor others are aware of about you.
(1) There is always something about each person that
remains a mystery.
(2) So there are always things about you to learn and
discover.
6. The Johari Window is a
person-specific model, meaning that we need to draw a different window
for each person
with whom we
interact.
7. Also, the size of the panes can
change as your relationships evolve.
8. The Johari Window helps us
understand self-disclosure in many ways.
a)
Self-disclosure emanate from the parts of the self that are know
to us: the hidden self and the open self.
b)
Self-disclosures regulate the relative sizes of the open and the
hidden selves. As we choose to disclose, the
open self becomes larger, and the
hidden self becomes smaller; when we decide to withhold disclosures, we
achieve the opposite result.
c)
As others provide us with feedback, we learn more about our
selves, which increases our ability to self-disclose.
d)
As we have new experiences and learn more about ourselves, the
unknown self decreases, and we have
more available information that
we may choose to disclose to others.
VII. Principles of Self-Disclosure
A.
We Disclose a Great Deal in Few Interactions
1. This
principle suggests that self-disclosures are somewhat rare if we
examine our total communication behavior.
2. Some
researchers estimate that only approximately 2% of our communication
can be called self-disclosure.
3. We generally
spend a lot more time in small talk than in the relatively dramatic
behavior of self-disclosure.
4. Most of our
interactions are short, routine, and relatively impersonal.
5. Only a few
of our interactions are truly self-disclosive.
6. Yet, because
of the emotional impact self-disclosure has on us and on our
relationships, it receives more
attention from researchers and ourselves than some
of our other communication behaviors, which actually take up more of
our time.
B.
Self-Disclosure Occur between Two People in a Relationship
1. Although it
is possible for us to tell personal information to small groups of
people, generally self-disclosure
occurs when only two people are present.
2. How much and
how frequently we self-disclose depends in great part on the nature of
our relationship with another.
3. Some
research suggests that people disclose the most in relationships that
are close.
4. However, an
axiom is only true most of the time, and there are some exceptions to
this generalization.
a) Some research argues that
television disclosures are a different sort of self-disclosure than
those that occur
in
interpersonal relationships.
(1) Television disclosures break the norm of
self-disclosure by taking place in public to strangers who don’t
respond.
(2) However, these disclosures may still provide
benefits to the discloser, including correcting stereotypes
and educating the public;
achieving fame’ and getting a forum to speak, including being able to
market a
book or business idea.
b)
Another exception is “the bus rider phenomenon,” also called
“strangers on a train.”
(1) This notion
refers to self-disclosures made to strangers rather than to close
friends or relatives.
(2) The
phenomenon derives its name from the fact that such self-disclosures
may often occur on public
transportation like buses, planes, or trains where
two people are confined together for a period of time with not
much to do but talk to each other.
(3) The
relationship between the people is temporary and transient rather than
close and ongoing.
C.
Self-Disclosures Are Reciprocal
1. This axiom of self-disclosure
refers to reciprocity, or the tendency to respond in kind.
2. Most research suggests that the
self-disclosures of one member of a dyad will be reciprocated by
self-disclosures by the other.
3. The dyadic effect describes the
tendency for us to return another’s self-disclosure with one that
matches it in level of intimacy.
4. Reciprocity is sometimes
explained by noting that it keeps people in the relationship on an
equal footing.
a)
If two people have reciprocated disclosures, they have equalized
the rewards and the risks of disclosing.
b)
Researchers observe that disclosure reciprocity may be governed
by global conversational norms such
as the requirement that a
response has to be relevant to the comment that preceded it.
5. However, we know that
conversations involving self-disclosures do not always contain
immediate responses of reciprocal
self-disclosures.
6. People in close relationships
don’t have to engage in immediate reciprocity but that they should
reciprocate within the
conversation
at some point.
7. When people are just getting to
know one another, the need for immediate reciprocity is strong.
8. In developing relationships,
however, this need is relaxed, and reciprocal disclosures may not even
need to occur within the
same
conversation.
D.
Self-Disclosures Occur in the Context of Time
1. Disclosures generally happen
incrementally over time. We usually tell a low-level
self-disclosure to a relationship partner
first and then
increase the intimacy level of our disclosures as time goes by and our
relationship with that person continues and deepens.
2. Although initially
self-disclosure is a message or a single event, it is also a process
that develops as a relationship develops.
3. Self-disclosures change the
relationship, and the nature of the self-disclosures changes as the
relationship matures or deteriorates.
4. This axiom also specifies that
time affects the meaning of disclosure.
5. Therefore, the function and
meaning of disclosures vary within the context of time.
VIII. Reasons to Self-Disclose: I Want You to Know Me
A.
Individual Reasons
1. To
Experience Catharsis and Improve Psychological Health
a) One reason psychologists are so
interested in the concept of self-disclosure is probably because
individuals
experience
catharsis, or a therapeutic release of tensions and negative emotion,
through disclosing.
b) Engaging in self-disclosure is
seen as a method for helping individuals achieve psychological health.
c) The field of psychotherapy is
predicated on the psychological healing function of self-disclosing.
d) Recently, therapists have
advanced the idea that some self-disclosure on the part of the
therapists themselves
could be
healing and helpful.
e) The adage “A trouble shared is
a trouble halved” contains the common wisdom that self-disclosing about
troubles
provides some relief from those troubles.
f) People engage in
self-disclosure to receive psychological support for their problems.
2. To Improve
Physical Health
a) Evidence supports the belief
that self-disclosure provides physical as well as psychological
benefits for disclosers.
b) Self-disclosure promotes
physical health and that failure to disclose may cause ill health.
c) It is a viable argument today
because a great deal of evidence supports the contention that
disclosing has a
positive
impact on blood pressure levels and resistance to cardiovascular
disease.
3. To Achieve
Self-Awareness
a) Self-disclosures provide us
with the means to become more self-aware.
b) We are able to clarify our
self-concepts by the feedback re receive from others when we disclose
and by the
process of
hearing ourselves disclose.
c) As we listen to ourselves
disclose and receive feedback, we increase the side of the window that
is known to us.
B.
Relationship Reasons
1. To Initiate
a Relationship
a) Disclosers are prompted to tell
private information as a way of developing a new relationship with
someone
who seems
interesting.
b) When we self-disclose to others
we like, it’s probable we’ll develop new relationships.
2. To Maintain
Existing Relationships
a) Existing relationships also
benefit from self-disclosures.
b) Researchers Karen Ijams and
Larry Miller (2000) found that 100% of their participants attributed
their disclosures
to some
relational goal.
(1) People said they told a relational partner about
a dream to enhance closeness, warmth, and trust.
3. To Satisfy
Expectations of What Constitutes a Good Relationship
a) The ideology of intimacy
dictates that we should be completely open and self-disclosive with
people in
intimate
relationships.
(1) If we fail to do so or if we consciously keep
secrets from intimate others, we often believe that our
relationships are flawed or not
as good as we want them to be.
(2) Self-disclosing allows us to see our
relationships in a positive light.
4. To Escalate
a Relationship
a) Self-disclosing provides a way
to get to know another and to allow that person to know you.
(1) This process escalates a relationship, often
moving it from one stage to another.
(2) Casual acquaintances may become close friends
after they spend time telling each other information about themselves.
b)
Communication can be used for dark purposes as well as positive
goals.
c)
Self-disclosures can be used to manipulate a relational partner.
IX. Reasons Not to Self Disclose: Why Am I Afraid to
Tell You Who I Am?
A. To
Avoid Hurt and Rejection
1. Perhaps the most common
reason for keeping a secret is because we believe that the person we
reveal it to may use
the
information to hurt us or may reject us when they know our inner selves.
2. If we share a really critical
piece of information, even with a sympathetic friend, we have given
this friend some potential
power over us,
and we can’t be absolutely sure that our friend would never use this
power against us or in a way that we wouldn’t like.
B.
To Avoid Conflict and Protect a Relationship
1. Some secrecy
may provide a good balance for openness in a relationship.
2. Culture
influences people’s views of self-disclosures and whether they help or
harm a relationship.
3. Some
research indicates that if you disclose to someone who responds in a
negative fashion, you are likely to feel
badly about the interaction, the other person, and
about your relationship with the other person.
a) Some people may believe
disclosing isn’t worth that risk.
C.
To Keep Your Image Intact and Maintain Individuality
1. Some people
withhold self-disclosures because they are concerned that if they begin
disclosing, they will lose
control and be unable to stop disclosing.
2. These people
fear that disclosures will bring with them unrestrained emotionality,
perhaps causing the discloser to cry uncontrollably.
3. People may
choose to keep their secrets to avoid engaging in uncontrolled
behaviors.
a) Men more than women cite this
reason as a rationale for not disclosing.
4. Some people
worry that self-disclosing will cause them to lose their sense of
mystery and individuality. Such concerns may
keep people from telling their private disclosures.
5. If someone
has established a particular role in a relationship, they may fear
changing that role and their image.
D. To Reduce
Stress
1. Some evidence indicates that
the opposite is also true. Continuing to think and talk about
stressful issues can result in more stress.
2. Stress is reduced only when the
disclosures begin to reflect a positive outlook.
X. Choices for Effective Disclosing
A. Use
I-Statements
1. Owning, or the use of
I-statements is the most basic verbal skill for self-disclosing.
2. These statements indicate that
you accept that what you are talking about is your own perception,
based on your own
experiences,
and affected by your value system.
3. When you self-disclose using
owning, you take responsibility for your feelings and experiences.
4. Your listener realizes that you
are speaking for yourself and not trying to make a generalization.
B. Be Honest
1. Honesty in self-disclosure
refers to being both clear and accurate.
2. If you are too ambiguous and
unclear, your self-disclosures may not be “heard” as real disclosures.
3. If you and your partner know
each other very well, you may be able to offer disclosures more
indirectly.
4. Generally speaking, you need to
be clear and accurate in your disclosures.
5. If you are dishonest, or
inaccurate while disclosing, you are defeating the purpose of
self-disclosure.
6. You won’t help you or your
relationship by receiving feedback for a problem that doesn’t actually
exist.
C. Be
Consistent with Your Verbal and Nonverbal Communication
1. Consistency means that your
nonverbal communication should reinforce, not contradict, your verbal
communication.
D. Focus Your
Nonverbal Communication
1. Try to focus your nonverbal
communication on the issue at hand and provide nonverbal cues that add
meaning rather
than ones that
distract from your message.
E. Be Sure Your
Content Is Relevant
1. Relevancy to the context refers
to an assessment of the appropriateness of the disclosure to the
situation itself.
F. Be Sure Your
Topic Is Relevant
1. Relevancy to the topic means
that you are able to weave your disclosure naturally into the
conversation.
G. Estimate the
Risks and Benefits
1. To be competent in
self-disclosure, you need to be able to estimate and balance its risks
and benefits.
2. There are compelling reasons to
reveal and to withhold disclosures, many of which pertain to issues of
self-identity.
3. You need to practice judging
when the benefits outweigh the risks, and vice versa.
H. Predict How
Your Partner Will Respond
1. Your ability to decode messages
of warmth, concern, and empathy on the part of the other person will
help you make
judgments
about when to tell and when to be silent.
I. Be Sure the
Amount and Type of Disclosure Are Appropriate
1. The amount and type of
disclosure should match the perceived intimacy level of the
relationship.
2. Early in your relational life,
you and your partner should share talk time.
3. You don’t want to dominate the
conversation with long self-revelations.
4. Pace your disclosures so that
they roughly match the developing intimacy of your relationship.
J. Estimate the
Effect of the Disclosure on Your Relationship
1. Think about how the disclosure
might affect the relationship. You can never know for sure what
effect a
disclosure
will have, but making well-founded assessment of effects is an
important skill to develop.
Chapter Nine
Communicating Conflict
Chapter Outline
XI. Introduction
A. It’s
difficult to imagine relating to others without ever experiencing
conflict; it’s simply a normal, unavoidable part of relational life.
B. Some
researchers estimate that couples in happy, stable relationships may
engage in conflict twice a week on average.
C. If you have
a relationship of any consequence, you’re bound to eventually engage in
conflict.
D. Conflicts
are common in relationships because we are all different, unique
individuals, and conflicts occur when differences
between people become a problem.
1. Sometimes, people recognize
differences between them that do not matter.
2. Most of the time, our
differences do cause friction.
E. Conflict is
a fact of life in relationships because when we interact, we become
aware of both our similarities and our differences.
1. Even if we get to know someone
well and feel we have a lot in common, we will still differ in some
respects, so there
is always the
potential for conflict.
2. In some relationships, the
people involved notice differences relatively quickly because the
nature of the relationship
implies
differing interests, concerns, and bases of power.
F. Some people
suggest that relationships between people of different cultures and
even relationships between men and
women maximize difference and provide opportunities
for more conflicts than do relationships between more similar people.
G.
Interpersonal conflict occurs when people recognize differences and are
challenged, threatened, inconvenienced, and/or troubled by them.
H. Experiencing
conflict in your relationship is inevitable.
1. What is not preordained is how
you and your partner deal with the normal conflicts of relational life.
XII. Defining Conflict: Knowing It When You See It
A.
Interpersonal conflict is commonly defined as “the interaction of
interdependent people who perceive incompatible goals and
interference from each other in achieving those
goals.
B. There are
several key parts to this definition.
1. Interaction
a) Interaction means that conflicts are created and
sustained through verbal and nonverbal communication.
(1) The
interaction that conflicting parties exhibit ranges greatly.
(2) Regardless
of the behaviors, remember that the definition specifies that conflict
is interaction between people.
b) Because this text is focused on explaining
interpersonal communication, we emphasize the expression of conflict
through verbal and nonverbal cues.
(1)
Communication is central to understanding conflict.
(2) This focus
doesn’t mean that we are not interested in the thoughts that people
have during conflicts.
(3) The
emphasis is on now thoughts influence talk; interaction is in the
foreground, and cognition is in the
background, or they work
together, each affecting the other.
c) In severe conflicts especially, husbands and wives
tended to construct individual accounts that didn’t agree with each
other.
d) Selective perception is a central dynamic in
conflict interactions.
2. Interdependence
a) Interdependence means that the people involved in
the conflict rely on one another, need each other, and are in a
relationship with one another.
b) Parties must feel some degree of interdependence
to experience conflict.
(1) If you have
no relationship with a person, that person isn’t important enough to
you for conflict to exist.
c) Interdependence issues bring up one of the
striking ironies in the discussion of conflict.
d) Although people’s need for others is a basic,
fundamental human desire, people rank conflicts with others one
of the most critical stressors
that they experience daily.
e) Our connection to others provides us both pleasure
and pain, both the joy of merger and the conflict of differentiation.
f) Interdependence is the main reason we assert that
conflict is a natural and inevitable part of life.
(1) The more we
rely on another, the more potential there is for observing differences
and for being affected by them.
(2) Conflict
orients us to others and, in some cases, even helps define our
relationships with others.
3. Perception.
a) Perception refers to the psychological process
involved in sensing meaning.
b) For conflict to exist, the interdependent people
have to perceive that they have incompatible goals.
4. Incompatible Goals
a) Friction results when people’s goals differ and
when people think that others stand in the way of the achievement of
personal goals.
b) These conditions are rather broad and cover a
range of conflict types.
(1) Image
Conflicts
(a) Image conflicts concern
self-presentation.
(b) This type of conflict is
especially difficult when two different images are in play.
(c) Sometimes, image conflicts may
masquerade as another type of conflict, but at the core is a
disagreement
about one’s sense of oneself.
(2) Content
Conflicts
(a) Content conflicts are often
called “substantive” because they revolve around an issue.
(b) Content conflicts can be
subdivided.
(3) Value
Conflicts
(a) Value conflicts can be
considered content conflicts in which the content is specifically a
question of right and wrong.
(4) Relational
Conflicts
(a) Relational conflicts focus on
issues concerning the relationship between two people.
XIII. Power: Who’s Got It, Who Wants It, and How to
Deal with It
A. Power can be defined as the ability to control the
behavior of another.
B. In conflict situations, power often influences the
outcome as well as the process of the interaction.
C. Some believe that all communication contains a
power dimension, even simple conversations used to exchange
demographic or superficial
information.
D. Conflict communication utilizes power in a variety
of ways.
E. Modes of Power
1. Direct
application of power in a conflict situation involves using any
resources at your disposal to compel the
other to comply, regardless of their desires.
2. Direct and
virtual use of power involves communicating the potential use of
direction application. Threats and
promises are examples – which some would say are two
sides of the same coin.
3. Indirect
application of power concerns employing power without making its
employment explicit.
a) When people send relational
messages, they define the relationship.
4. Most of the
time we think of power as the ability to force someone else to comply
with a decision, but in the case
of hidden power decisions are suppressed or avoided
in the interest of the one of the parties.
F. Sources of Power
1. Referent
power derives from the charisma and attractiveness a person possesses.
a) Everyone wants to be identified
with and spend time with that person.
b) Legitimate power usually is
based in the positions people occupy.
Not all
individuals respect legitimate power.
c) Depending on their
personalities, people differ in the ways in which they occupy positions
of power.
2. Expert or
information power refers to the knowledge a person possesses.
a) Anyone who knows something that
another needs has a source of expert power.
b) Note that the key is the need
on the part of another.
3. Persuasive
power comes from being seen as a good, logical communicator who can
sway others to a certain point of view.
4. Reward power
originates from the ability to reward others.
a) Rewards may be material or
social.
5. Coercive
power derives form the ability to punish others and usually accompanies
reward power because if you have
the ability to reward someone, you probably have the
ability to punish that person as well.
G. Empowerment
1. Empowerment
is helping to actualize people’s power.
2. Some
mediators refer to empowerment as “power balancing” or the efforts of a
third party to equalize the
power distribution so that the participants in the
conflict can both listen and be heard.
3. Whether you
call the intricate power dynamics within a relationship power balancing
or empowerment, managing
conflict necessitates that each party is listened to
and really heard.
XIV. Conflict Models: Seeing the Big Picture
A. Satir’s Four-Part Model
1. Virginia
Satir conceived of conflict as a circle divided into four sections that
represent the critical parts of any
conflict: you, me, the context, and the subject.
a) You refers to one of the
participants in the conflict.
b) Me refers to the other
participant.
c) Context comprises the emotional
background surrounding the conflict.
d) Subject means what the parties
are arguing about.
2. Satir argued
that effective conflict management requires that each part needs to be
considered completely.
a) All four parts are equally
important and that if each part is not attended to, the conflict will
fester.
b) If one segment is ignored, none
of the other can be completely resolved.
3. People
generally fear or dislike conflict interaction and, as a result, will
try to resolve conflicts as quickly as possible.
4. In our haste
to conclude conflict interactions, we usually ignore one or more of the
four integral segments,
resulting in ineffective conflict management.
When people disqualify the me in a conflict, they
are being passive or ignoring their own needs in the situation.
a) This passive response, which
cancels out one’s won position in a conflict, is called placating.
b) This course of action is a
mistake because it doesn’t pay attention to the full circle of conflict.
5. When people
disqualify the you in a conflict, they respond in an aggressive manner
without acknowledging the
needs of the other person in the conflict.
This is called pouncing.
6. The context
contains the emotional aspects of the conflict.
a) If someone disqualifies the
context, according to Satir, this computing response ignores the
emotional
aspects and
focuses on the rational aspects.
b) Although Satir didn’t advocate
irrational responses, she observed that conflicts touch emotion deeply
and
that they
cannot be resolved unless these emotions are addressed.
7.
Disqualifying the subject of the conflict is called a distracting
response because it involves keeping the parties distracted
from the subject of a conflict.
8. When any
portion of the conflict is ignored or disqualified the conflict
interaction is rushed or skipped altogether.
a) This accomplishes the immediate
goal of minimizing the time that two people spend in conflict.
b) However, in the long run, none
of these responses is capable of doing justice to the conflict because
all four
of the
segments of the conflict circle are equally important, and if one is
ignored, the conflict is not managed properly.
B. Filley’s
Process Model
1. Filley (1975) models conflict
as a process that occurs in the following stages: prior conditions,
initial awareness,
active
conflict, resolution, and aftermath.
a) Prior conditions, which are similar to the context
in Satir’s model, set the stage for conflict and contain the
history between the two parties,
the areas of disagreement they have discussed in the past, and so forth.
b) The second stage consists of an initial awareness
of a problem.
c) The next stage is the active conflict stage.
(1) Our
original definition of conflict comes into play in this stage, when the
two engage in interaction
around their differences.
d) The active conflict stage may last for a long
time, and the next stage – resolution may not be reached. In the
resolution stage, the parties
decide on a way to manage the conflict.
(1) Some
conflicts recur because the parties don’t go through this stage, and
some relationships end because
the parties are unable to resolve their
conflicts.
(2) The ideal
is that the parties reach a mutually agreed upon solution.
e) Filley’s model shows that conflicts are never
completely over. The results of the resolution stage form the
conflict
aftermath. The aftermath
includes the residue of having engaged in the conflict and the feelings
that both of the
participants have about their
interaction.
(1) The
aftermath feeds into the prior conditions for the next conflict between
the two parties.
f) Filley’s model shows how conflicts affect
relationships and even define relational life.
XV. Myths about Conflict: What Not to Believe
A. Conflict Is Always Bad
1. One myth
states that conflict is completely negative and implies that relational
life would be perfection if only the
partners could eliminate all conflicts.
2. When people
think of comparisons for interpersonal conflict, their choices are
overwhelmingly negative.
3.
Relationships cannot exist without conflict
4. There are
also many positives to engaging in conflict with a relational partner.
5. Managing
conflict with sensitivity leads to evaluations of communication
competence.
a) Dealing productively with
conflict in marriage promotes physical and mental health.
b) Other researchers have also
claimed benefits for engaging in conflict.
6. Although all
conflict doesn’t automatically produce positive outcomes for
relationships, it is a myth that conflict is all bad.
B. Conflict Is Just Miscommunication
1. This myth
suggests that all conflict results from people not clearly
communicating their goals and wishes ton one another.
2. Sometimes
people communicate clearly to each other and, in fact, they disagree.
C. All Conflicts Can Be Resolved through Good
Communication
1. This myth
tells us that if we master a certain set of skills, we can resolve all
conflicts.
2. We recognize
that some conflicts persist, and partners may have to agree to disagree.
D. It Is Always Best to Talk through All Conflicts
1. This myth
represents the commonly held belief that increasing communication
solves conflicts.
2. Relational
partners often believe that they simply need to communicate more to
reach a mutually satisfying solution
to their conflicts.
3. Many
scholars believe that this myth obscures the benefits that sometimes
occur when people avoid topics rather
than talk about them in great detail.
4. Some
arguments are not that important and if you ignore them, they really
will go away. On the other hand, talking about
them just exaggerates and prolongs the problem.
XVI. Factors Influencing Interpersonal Conflict
A. Gender and Conflict
1. When we talk
about gender, we are referring to gender socialization. Men and
women are not inherently
different in their orientations to conflict or in
their conflict behaviors; rather, they have been taught a set of
responsibilities
and norms that affect their conflict interactions.
a) Not all men nor all women are
socialized to the same degree.
b) We see great variety in how
women and men enact gendered social norms.
2. Because
women are taught to be keepers of relational life and men are
socialized to pay attention to public life
women often want to talk about relationship issues,
and men do not.
a) This imbalance may cause
conflict within relationships.
3. Some
research suggests that women are more collaborative and men are more
competitive in conflict interactions.
However, recent studies call this generalization
into question.
4. Shuter and
Turner (1997) concluded in their research that people are affected by
stereotypes when asked to talk about
a group but that they see themselves as not
necessarily representative of the group to which they belong.
5. Some
evidence does point to more enduring differences between women and men
in conflict.
a) Men and women react differently
to the stress of relational conflict.
(1) Whereas women seemed to be able to tolerate high
levels of the physiological arousal found in conflict
with a partner, men were more
bothered by this arousal and sought to avoid it.
b) Men also desired to avoid
marital conflict more than women.
B. Culture and Conflict
1. Differing
cultural practices and norms may put us in conflict with one another.
2. The ways in
which respect and approval area expressed often differ from culture to
culture.
3. Even the
meaning of the word conflict may differ across cultures.
4. Culture
affects our conduct of interpersonal conflict in myriad
ways.
a) A person whose primary
orientation is toward orientation might conflict with a person whose
primary
orientation is
toward collectivism because of their different values.
XVII. Communication Patterns in Conflict
A. Symmetrical Escalation
1. Symmetrical
escalation exists when each partner chooses to increase the intensity
of the conflict.
2. Each partner
matches the other’s escalating fight behaviors. Sometimes this
pattern is called “fight-fight.”
3. These
patterns cannot go on indefinitely, or it would end in the destruction
of the two parties.
4. Because the
amount of escalation that can exist is limited, this pattern is a
futile one for communicators.
B. Symmetrical Withdrawal
1. Symmetrical
withdrawal means that when conflict occurs, neither partner is willing
to confront the other.
2. One person’s
move away is reciprocated by the other’s move away.
3. This
pattern, like symmetrical escalation, spells the end of the
relationship if it’s carried to its logical conclusion.
4. If both
parties move away from each other when conflict happens, they will soon
be so far apart that they will have difficulty reuniting.
C. Pursuit-Withdrawal/Withdrawal-Pursuit
1. These two
patterns are asymmetrical. This means that the behavior of one
partner is complemented by the other’s
behavior rather than one partner mirroring the
behavior of another.
2. In
pursuit-withdrawal, when one partner presses for a discussion about a
conflictual topic, the other partner withdraws.
3. In
withdrawal-pursuit, it is just the opposite. In this pattern, a
partner’s withdrawal prompts the other person’s pursuit.
4. These
patterns are extremely unsatisfying to the participants; they have the
quality of a dog chasing its tail.
5. Gregory
Bateson (1972) referred to these types of conflicts as schismogenesis:
both partners do what they wish the
other would do for them, and both are rebuffed.
6. Even though
these patterns are so unsatisfying and are related to discord within
relationships, they are extremely
common in conflict behavior.
7. Research
suggests that personality characteristics such as extroversion and
introversion might be related to the
use of this pattern; in general, the extroverts
pursue, and the introverts withdraw.
D. Symmetrical Negotiation
1. Symmetrical
negotiation is the one positive pattern discussed.
2. In this
pattern, each partner mirrors the other’s negotiating behaviors.
a) They listen to each other and
reflect back what they have heard.
b) They offer suggestions for
dealing with the conflict and we are willing to talk as much or as
little as necessary
to come to a mutually satisfying resolution of the
conflict.
XVIII. Choices for Conflict Management: Working It Out
A. Lighten Up and Reframe
1. Lightening up refers to your ability to stay
cool-headed when others get “hot.”
2. The techniques which help you to do this include
staying in the present and acknowledging that you have
heard what your relational
partner just said.
3. You can also reframe by changing something that
has a negative connotation to something with a more positive
connotation.
4. Lightening up might involve your asking permission
to state your views.
5. Keep your nonverbal communication genuine and
avoid sarcasm.
B. Presume Good Will and Express
Good Will
1. Go into each conflict interaction believing that
you and your partner both want to come to a constructive resolution.
2. Build rapport by focusing on the areas where you
do agree.
3. Reach out to your partner and expect that your
partner will do the same for you.
4. While you are engaging in conflict, tell your
partner the things about him or her that you respect. Keep it
real,
but mix in praise with your
complaints.
C. Ask Questions
1. Focus on the other.
2. After you both have had a chance to speak, ask
your partner if he or she has anything further to add.
3. Reflect back what you have heard stated and ask if
you got it correctly.
D. Listen
1. A conflict is difficult to manage unless we spend
time listening to the other.
2. Remember to practice all of the behaviors
associated with effective listening.
3. Listening to another person is more than just
hearing the words spoken; it’s a way to show the other that the
conflict
is important to resolve and that
the relationship is valuable in your life.
E. Practice Cultural Sensitivity
1. Be mindful and tune into your own culture’s norms
and assumptions first before evaluating others.
2. Slow down your judgments of others; suspend your
evaluations until you have had a chance to engage in an internal
dialogue.
Chapter Ten
Communicating in Close Relationships
Chapter Outline
XIX. Introduction
A. Relationships give importance and meaning to
people’s lives.
B. We are all social beings, and we need
relationships to satisfy our desires for connection and community.
1. Maslow’s
(1968) Hierarchy of Needs is an illustration of how people’s needs are
ranked in order of importance.
2. Maslow
believed that people are basically good and unselfish but need to
satisfy certain lower-level needs before
they can demonstrate their goodness.
3. Maslow
places our social needs on the third level, just after physical and
safety needs.
C. Some people assert that friendships and close
relationships can improve some of society’s social problems.
1. Social
contacts increase trust and understanding, improving race relations.
D. Another benefit of close relationships is that
they can improve health. A growing body of research is showing
this link.
E. However, the presence of other people in our lives
is not solely responsible for our health and happiness; the quality of
our relationships plays a crucial
role.
F. Clearly, communication is central to relationships.
G. Relationships are constructed through
communication, and our judgments about our interactions shape both the
consequences of our relationships
and our overall satisfaction with them.
H. Similarly, relationships are sustained through
communication.
I. The type of relationship people have is reflected
in and created by talk.
J. Research supports the notion that intimate
partners talk to each other with less consideration than they accord
less intimate friends and acquaintances.
XX. Understanding Close Relationships: What Do We
Mean, Anyway?
A. Some people suggest that close relationships
consist of specific characteristics.
1. The content
of the interactions: What people talk about and do together.
2. The
diversity of interactions: The number of different experiences people
have together.
3. The
qualities of the interactions: Do the partners shout, talk lovingly,
and so forth?
4. The relative
frequency of the interactions: Are the interactions repetitive or more
variable?
5. The nature
of the interactions: Are the interactions complementary or reciprocal
or some combination?
6. The quality
of power in the interactions: Do the partners agree on the power
distribution?
7. The intimacy
of the interaction: How much self-disclosure do the partners engage
in? Self-disclosing makes relationship
partners feel closer to each other.
8. The
partners’ perceptions of the interactions: Are the partners’
perceptions in agreement? How do they see each other
and the outside world?
9. The
commitment reflected in the interactions: Do the partners each see the
other as committed to the relationship?
10. The
satisfaction expressed in the interactions: How closely do their
interactions fit their ideal?
11. The above
characteristics allow us to see a relationship as a bond between two
people that is reflected in their
interaction patterns and their
perceptions of these patterns.
B. Are Relationships Performances?
1. Baxter and
Braithwaite (2002) assert that marriages are cultural performances.
2. What they
mean by this is that relationships consist of the ongoing process
between the partners.
a) These exchanges include myriad
communication practices as well as public discourse.
3. Thus,
relationships are both defined and enacted in the culture that
surrounds them.
C. Are Relationships In Our Heads?
1. Some
research examines the notion of relationship scripts, which are
cognitive structures that contain a pattern for the
key events that we expect in a relationship.
a) People seem to have both narrow
scripts and broad scripts.
2. William
Wilmot (1995) also takes this approach, arguing that close
relationships exist when both participants have a
mental construct of the relationship.
a) These mental images occur on at
least two levels.
(1) At the basic level, people are simply aware of
each other and the fact that they are in a relationship with one
another.
(2) Several things happen to establish the mental
construct of the relationship in the second level.
(a) The
communication between the partners becomes patterned, and they can
imagine with some predictive
accuracy what the other will say or do in a variety
of situations.
(b) The
partners perceive a past, present, and future together. They are
able to bring the past forward into